A MidCommanwealthian Night's Dream
by RommieAndBeka
Summary: A...erm...slight change of the original Shakespearean comedy...slight change....
1. Act I1

A Mid-Commanwealthian Night's Dream

Originally by William Shakespeare

Andromeda belongs to Tribune

Farscape belongs to Jim Henson Company

By: Rommie and Beka

Dylan Hunt, Duke Of Commonwealthia

Trance, Queen Of The Purple People, engaged to Dylan

Ignatius, father of Rebecca

Tyr and Telemachus, suitors to Rebecca

Rebecca, in love with Tyr

Rommie, in love with Rhade

D'Argo, master of the revels in the court

Rygel, a carpenter

John, a weaver

Bialar, a bellows mender

Jothee, a tinker

Stark, joint maker

Rafe, a tailor

Seamus, King of the fairies

Chiana, Queen Of The Fairies

Rev Bem

Aeryn, Zhaan, Pilot and Jool, fairies

**I.1** _Enter Dylan, Trance, D'Argo, with others._

DYLAN Oh Trance, I'm so excited for our wedding! Is it Friday yet? If only the moon would hurry up and rise and set four more times!

TRANCE Don't worry Dylan, it'll go by in a snap!

DYLAN Go D'Argo, and make everyone in the three galaxies happy and cheerful! Oh…and take this stack of invitations, too, would you? Remember, only people who have enough money to get a very nice gift for us get one!

_Exit D'Argo_

_Enter Ignatius, his daughter Rebecca, Tyr and Telemachus_

IGNATIUS Hey Dylan! Wazzup?

DYLAN Wazzup?!

IGNATIUS Wazzup?!

DYLAN Wazzup?!

IGNATIUS I'm pissed at Beka. I want her to marry Telemachus, here, who is from an excellent pride, and is a very nice young man. Yet she wants to marry Tyr Anasazi, of the obliterated Kodiak pride, a man who has murdered more people than I've sold Flash to! Tyr, you've seduced her with promises of money and love, making me out to be the enemy, when it's really you who want her for your own evil purposes! Dylan, you need to remind Beka that if she doesn't marry Telemachus, she dies!

DYLAN Let's here your side of the story, Beka. Just remember, your dad's my dealer; so he's probably gonna win no matter what. And I happen to know that Telemachus can grow muscles, and doesn't wear much clothing!

BEKA Neither does Tyr!

DYLAN Yeah, but your father likes Telemachus!

BEKA I wish my dad could see this from my perspective!

DYLAN Have you ever thought how he might feel about this?

BEKA Look, not to insult you or anything, because I know you're like, the all knower of all, but what's the worste that could happen?

DYLAN You could be killed, or you would have to become a nun.

BEKA Ok, anything's better than marrying him!

DYLAN Why don't you think this over. On the day that me and Trance get to be married and live happily ever after and have lots of kids, you can decide to die, leave and never see a man again, or marry Telemachus.

TELEMACHUS Give it up, Beka! Tyr, leave her alone!

TYR I assure you, I have and give full devotion from and to Rebecca. If you love her father so much, perhaps you would do better to wed with him, eh?

TELEMACHUS Yeah, I do love him, and no, not in that way, you perverts, and he's her kid, so…. yeah! I deserve to marry her!!!

TYR Dylan, I have just as good genes as Telemachus, just as much money, and just as much practice in killing people and disposing of my enemies. I also have Rebecca's love. Perhaps it would interest you to know that Telemachus has been courting the fair Andromeda. She is utterly in love with him, yet he is willing to leave her without a thought for your money.

DYLAN Yeah…I thought I heard something about that. Um, anyway, think over it, Beka. Now, Telemachus, Ignatious, come on! We still need to discuss the bachelor party.

IGNATIUS Ok.

_Exit all but Beka and Tyr_

TYR What's wrong, Rebecca?

BEKA I'm depressed, you idiot!

TYR Well, I must admit that I have never read of true love working out. It's always said to be a trick the DNA plays to replicate itself, or someone close to them betrays them.

BEKA It just never works.

TYR Or else they died.

BEKA Well, the universe has been around for a really long time, I'm sure it's happened before. It's sure to happen again, right?

TYR Yes, I suppose you're right. All right, I have a plan. We can go to the house of my former wife's pride's matriarch, and get married there, out of the reach of Commonwealthian law. If you truly love me, you sneak out of the Maru tomorrow night, and meet me in the forest about a mile from here, in the place where you and Rommie and I watched the pirate ship get blown up.

BEKA I'll be there.

TYR Good. And here comes Andromeda…

_Enter Rommie_

BEKA Hey Rommie, where were you?

ROMMIE Why the hell are you so pretty?! Telemachus hates me! Why does he love you instead of me? Can you give me some fashion tips or something, please?!

BEKA I tell him to piss off, but he keeps coming back!

ROMMIE I'm so nice to him, but he ignores me!

BEKA I scream at him, but he still tries to feel me up!

ROMMIE I could work with that.

BEKA I hate him, but he still follows me like some puppy in need of affection!

ROMMIE I love him, but he hates me!

BEKA It's not my fault he's an idiot!

ROMMIE Yeah, but you're so pretty! I'd like that…

BEKA He's all yours. Me and Tyr are getting the hell out of here tomorrow night. I mean, I liked this whole Commonwealth, but now Nietzschean territory looks way better, because there's no Telemachus!

TYR You see, Andromeda, Rebecca and I are leaving tomorrow night while everyone else is sleeping.

BEKA Then, in the meadow where we, um, didn't do Flash, me and Tyr are gonna go and leave. So uh, yeah. Bye. Good luck with Telemachus and all, and wish us luck! Gotta go, Tyr, see you tomorrow!

TYR Yes, goodbye.

_Exit Beka_

TYR Goodbye, Andromeda. May Telemachus love you as you do foolishly love him.

_Exit Tyr_

ROMMIE Everyone says I'm just as pretty as Beka, but Telemachus refuses to see that! I loved him! I thought he loved me, too, but then Beka just happened to walk by, and all of a sudden he's all over her! I need a plan. Ok, ok. Got it. I'll tell Telemachus that his darling Beka's running off tomorrow night, and then, though it'll probably ruin my friendship with Beka, I'll have Telemachus's gratitude, and if I'm really lucky, his love! Yes, that's what I'll do! Must…not…laugh…evilly…

_Exit_


	2. Act I2

**I.2** _Enter Rygel the Carpenter, Stark the Joiner, John the Weaver, Bialar the Bellows Mender, Jothee the Tinker, and Rafe the Tailor._

RYGEL Is everyone here?! I've been waiting for at least five frelling microts for you idiotic excuses for creatures!

JOHN Follow the script, damnit, Sparky!

RYGEL Fine. Ok, here's the list of the creatures pathetic enough to waist their time making fools of themselves in front of the entire three galaxies so that Trance can have time to fix her hair before she gets herself attached to that man so that they can have legitimate sex.

JOHN I'm too lazy to read all this! Just tell us what's happening.

RYGEL Our play is the um, best. Yes…it is. It tells the adventures of some ancient Earp people who do things that are supposedly amusing, and then die. It's called "The most lamentable comedy and most cruel death of Pyramus and Thisby."

JOHN Oh yeah, it's wonderful. K, bring on the clowns.

RYGEL Alright, if you're stupid and you know it clap your hands! John Crichton.

JOHN That'd be a big round of applause. Who did you saddle me with, the dog?

RYGEL No, though now that I think about it, that would have been a good role for you. However, in my moment of mental instability, I cast you as Pyramus.

JOHN Um…k, so do I get to have sex or kill people?

RYGEL You're a suicidal romantic. Stupid part, really. Very fitting for you.

JOHN Fine. If you insist. But I'd really rather be Ercles, so I can kill you and blame it on getting in to the part. I played Darth Vadar in high school. And I did lots of evil reading in grade six. "The raging rocks/and shivering shocks/shall break the locks/of prison gates/and Phibbus' car/shall shine from far/and make a mar/the foolish Fates." See?!

RYGEL Bialar the bellows maker? Heh…Bialar…Bellows…they both start with B! Hahahahahaha! Why aren't you people laughing? It's funny, damnit!

BIALAR I'm here, you stupid little man.

RYGEL Bialar, I've given you're sorry excuse for a shell of skin and flesh and blood the part of Thisby.

BIALAR What is Thisby? Is he like me? Or like Crichton. Because if he is, I may have to shoot you.

RYGEL Actually, you're Crichton's lover.

BIALAR NOOO! I don't wanna play a God damned woman! I've got a beard! Can't you see? See? Beard! Facial hair! Women don't have facial hair! At least, not on my planet!

RYGEL You can wear a mask, all right? And I'm sure you can distort your voice with some piece of Peacekeeper tech to make it sound like a woman. It's perfectly respectable to dress in Drag!

JOHN OOO, I'll play the girl too! I've had practice dressing in Drag! See? I can do the squeaky voice! "Thisne, Thisne!" "Ah, Pyramus, my lover dear, thy Thisby dear, and lady dear!"

RYGEL No! I have to torture both of you, don't you understand?! Crichton, I'm sure you'd make a beautiful woman, but I'm leaving that up to Bialar.

JOHN Fine. Get on with it, then.

RYGEL Rafe the tailor.

RAFE I'm here. I'm not quite sure why I'm here, but I'm here.

RYGEL I stuck you with the worst part because I don't know you. You're Bialar's mother! And I really have no wish to know who the father is. Next…um…Jothee the Tinker…Who let you in?!

JOTHEE Yes, yes, I'm here.

RYGEL You get to be John's father, and I'm….what?! No! The Gods can not be this cruel! Why didn't I look over this script?! I must play Bialar's father!!!! Stark, you insane thing, get over here. You get the part of the lion. You people better not screw this up…

STARK OOO, can I see/ Give it to me, I have to study…study…study! Yes…my side, your side! Give it to me! Mine…..such a nice script….I want to pet it….My side, your side! My side! Your side!

RYGEL Oh, don't worry, and stop your pointless ramblings. All you have to do is scream nonsensically. So…just be yourself.

JOHN No! I wanna play the lion! Yeah….roaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr! Tremble…in….fear! …please?!

RYGEL No. You'd scare everyone away.

ALL We'd all die!

JOHN Ok, so I'll roar really, really quietly!

RYGEL No! You need to play Pyramus. I bet he's always a gentleman, and never swears! I can laugh at your pathetic attempts to recreate this.

JOHN Fine. What beard should I wear?

RYGEL You think I care?

JOHN K, I'll use the pee yellow one, the lemon yellow one, the dirt brown one or the really weird pruplbeygrayish one. Decisions, decisions. Which will make me look skinny?

RYGEL I seriously don't care about your damned beard! Now, take the scripts, learn them, and meet me out about a mile into the forest where our secret plotting can commence. If you're not there, I will end you!

JOHN Yep…we'll have a ball. Don't you agree, Bialar, my darling? Everybody memorize the scripts! Au revoir, people!

RYGEL We'll meet at Dylan's Apple Tree.

JOHN Ok! We get it!!!

Exit 


	3. Act II1

**A Midcommonwealthian Night's Dream**

**By: Rommie and Beka**

**Review Responses**

**L. C. Brotherton: Umm, probably. Or, ya know, this could be their real personalities, and what we see on TV is the true insanity.**

**Small Ville: Thanks!**

**B.L.A. the Mouse: Beka can't spell. Rommie was supposed to read it over. Farscape is cool!**

**prin69: Hehehehehehehe. Yes, we're so damn special! Heh, I, (Beka), came up with that line! Worship me! Anyway, um, thanks for the review! And no, it's not going to be Beka/Rhade, because I know that's what you're cheering for.**

**II.1** _Enter a Fairy at one door, and Rev Bem at another._

REV Hello. Where are you off to on this fine day?

FAIRY Too many places to list here. I need some dewdrops for cowslip ears. Goodbye.

REV I advise you not to come here tonight. King Seamus will be here tonight, and your queen is jealous over the boy whom your queen has acquired. He may cause you some trouble if any of you are here.

FAIRY Hey…aren't you that evilishy, um, sprite that misleads some people, and grants un to others good fortune? Or am I hallucinating.

REV Yes…that is true. I, um, make people laugh. I do no harm, I swear! But you should go, King Seamus is coming!

FAIRY My queen hates him.

Enter Seamus, the King of Fairies, at one door, with his train; and the Queen Chiana, at another, with hers.

SEAMUS I really didn't need this tonight…

CHIANA Oh, you're just jealous of my new friend! I've got him very well protected, don't worry.

SEAMUS Oh, come on, we're married, right! I deserve the boy just as much as you do!

CHIANA Yeah, we're married, but you ran off. Why are you back now, your mistresses not keeping you happy?

SEAMUS But you tricked Dylan into getting lost out in the woods after he cheated on Trance, didn't you!

CHIANA I haven't seen you for a while, in that time, you managed to go and get Mother Nature pissed at us! All of the seasons are messed up, and it's all your fault!

SEAMUS Ok, so give me the kid, and I'll stop!

CHIANA Look, this kid is the son of one of my best friends who happened to have the unfortunate affliction of mortality. I'm taking care of him for her, because she's dead!

SEAMUS How long are you gonna be here?

CHIANA We'll be here until after Dylan's wedding night. If you can be a good sport and not piss anyone off, you can stay. If not, well, be gone!

SEAMUS K, if I can have the kid, I'll be good and come along like a good little king.

CHIANA Um, how about not. Let's go, people!

Exit Chiana and her train.

SEAMUS Fine! Go! I'll get my revenge! Hey, um, Rev? C'mhere. Remember when I heard that mermaid on that rock a while back, and everybody loved her song?

REV I remember.

SEAMUS Well, while I was there, I saw Cupid shoot an arrow. It was supposed to make a bunch of girls fall in love with a bunch of guys, but instead, it just hit some poor little flower. The flower used to be white, now it's purple. Girls call it 'Love-in-idleness'. Get it! If you squirt the juice of it on someone's eyes, they'll fall in love with the next living thing they see! Yes….hehehehehe! Go! Get it, Rev!

REV I'm going!

_Exit_

SEAMUS Ok, when Chiana is sleeping, I'll put this stuff on her eyes, and then she'll fall in love with some nasty critter! Then, I'll take it off her eyes when she's good and embarrassed, and she'll give me that kid! Yes, worship me! I'm so damn smart! Oh, crap! People! I'm invisible so I can eavesdrop!

Enter Rhade, Rommie following him.

RHADE AAHH! Go away! Can your little artificial brain not comprehend that I don't love you? Eh! You told me that Rebecca and Tyr would be here. They're, umm, not. I need to kill Tyr because he's a traitor to Dylan! Yes, that's why. Then Beka will be my wife and have lots of kids! Shoo!

ROMMIE But I love you! If you weren't so damn hot, I wouldn't chase you! Disfigure yourself! Then I'll leave.

RHADE Have I given you any indication that I love you? No! I've told you to leave, and yet you still linger! I hate you! Go! Away!

ROMMIE Please love me! Or…tolerate me! I'll do anything! I'm a mere computer. Use me as you would a calculator! And I will follow you!

RHADE You make me sick.

ROMMIE You, umm, don't make me sick. Sick with love, I guess.

RHADE You know, Nietzscheans don't consider Ais actual people, therefore they have no rights. And there's no one around. You're very trusting of me, especially considering I hate you.

ROMMIE No, you're too honorable to take advantage of me.

RHADE I'm going to go away. How's your survival training?

ROMMIE Pretty damn good. You can run, but I'm faster.

RHADE I'm leaving! And if you follow me, well, it's not my fault if those mean old mercenaries that, umm, Dylan hired to kill you get here!

ROMMIE I'm a fricken warship! And I'm beautiful! Worship me!

_Exit Rhade_

I'm coooooommmmmmmmiiiiiiiinnnnnnng!

_Exit_

SEAMUS Stupid Uber. That's so mean! Don't worry, even if you don't love me, I'll make you happy, Rommie!

Enter Rev.

Got it! Huh huh huh! Oh…hi, by the way…

REV Yes, yes I've got it.

SEAMUS Gimme! Ok, there's a grove of trees where Chiana sleeps. I'm gonna go put this stuff on her eyes so she falls in love with something ugly! I have a job for you, though. There's a really hot android that's in love with a Nietzschean who doesn't love her. Go put this stuff on his eyes so that he will fall in love with her! You'll know him, well, by the bone blades!

REV Ok.

Exit 


	4. Act ii2

**II.2 **_Enter Chiana, Queen of Fairies, with her train._

CHIANA OK, fairies, you have jobs to do, no! Great! Sing me to sleep, then be gone!

_Fairies sing._

FIRST FAIRY You spotted snakes with double tongue, thorny hedgehogs, be not seen; newts and blindworms, do no wrong, come not near our Fairy Queen.

_chorus_

Philomele, with melody sing in our sweet lullaby, lala, lala, lullaby; lala, lala, lullaby; never harm nor spell nor charm, come our lovely lady nigh. So good night, with lullaby.

FIRST FAIRY Weaving spiders, come not here: hence you long legged spinners, hence! Beetles black, approach not near; worm nor snail, do no offense.

_chorus_

Philomele, with melody, etc.

_She sleeps._

SECOND FAIRY Ok, all is well! Be gone!

_exit fairies._

_Enter Seamus and squeezes the flower onto Chiana's eyelids._

SEAMUS Haha! Now, when you wake up, you'll fall in love with something really ugly and I can laugh at you! Like, um, a squid!

_exit._

_Enter Tyr and Beka_

TYR You look tired. Though, being a fragile human, I shouldn't be surprised. And, umm, I haven't lost our way or anything, because Nietzscheans don't make such stupid mistakes, but we should rest for a while. So you can regain your strength.

BEKA Fine. Now disappear so I can sleep.

TYR Why do you send me away? We should sleep together. It's normal.

BEKA Um, no. I still don't trust Nietzscheans.

TYR Rebecca, I love you. As my intended mate, we should sleep together. We will be doing so for the rest of our lives, what's one more night?

BEKA Shoo! I don't wanna screw this up, ok? I've made too many mistakes to screw this up. Now go! You're a survival expert, I'm sure it won't be hard for you to find somewhere to sleep! Besides, what happened to the whole, "we're only stopping so you can sleep" crap? I thought you weren't tired at all? I thought I was the weak one? Hey….you're not shooing!

TYR Fine. As you wish. But do not think I will let you get away with everything in the future.

BEKA Uh huh. K, good night, Tyr. Now shut up so I can sleep.

_they sleep_

_Enter Rev_

REV So here they are! I've been searching everywhere for a Nietzschean and an AI! She is sleeping far away from him. She is scared of him. Odd, considering she's probably stronger than him…never mind. Divine bless this couple.

_he squeezes the flower onto Tyr's eyelids_

When you wake up, you shall love this woman. Wake as soon as I have left, as I must now go to meet Harper.

Enter Rhade and Rommie, running 

ROMMIE Wait up!

RHADE Go away!

ROMMIE Don't leave me here!

RHADE Stay here. I'm going alone.

_Exit_

ROMMIE Everybody hates me! Oh, look, it's Tyr! OOO, is he dead? That would impress me. Hey, Anasazi, wake up!

TYR _starts up _Andromeda! I never noticed how beautiful you are. Where is that High Guard, Dylan-worshiping excuse for a life form? I shall kill him!

ROMMIE No! You can't kill Rhade! Beka loves you! Really, isn't it a little presumptuous of you to be trying for your second wife before you've even actually married your first?

TYR No! You shall be my first wife! Captain Valentine is not even fit for my cleaning staff! It is you I love!

ROMMIE Oh, real mature, Tyr! Not funny! I hate you! I know we've had our differences, but this just isn't a good day! Now piss off and let me stalk Rhade in peace!

TYR You see Beka lying over there on the ground in the dirt? That is where she belongs! I could not even bring myself to sleep near her, she is just so uncompromisingly anterior! You, Andromeda, are truly my equal, and I would be honored to be your lover.

_Exit_

BEKA _Awakes _AAHH! Tyr! I had the most odd dream. I dreamt that you let me be eaten by Maggog, and you were just standing there laughing! You would never do that, right? Eh? Right, Tyr! Damnit, where are you! Dead? That wouldn't surprise me. K, not funny anymore! Fine. You wanna wander off, fine. See if I care. I'm just gonna walk around. But I'm not looking for you. I'm…really not. I'm also talking to myself. I'm going to shut up, now.

_exit_


End file.
